I am the “Why” guy? I want to know “Why” in all situations; I am less interested in “What.” I feel like I can adapt to most “Whats” in life if I have a good grasp on “Why.” “What” by itself has little appeal to me because it only seems to hold value at the individual level. The “Whats” I am talking about are things like daily routines, activities, hobbies, and other behavioral ways we project our inner world into the socially shared world. Once in a while, our “Whats” are compatible with other people’s “Whats,” and we think we have a connection, but it is never that simple. Sometimes I think people are unaware of the need to have a “Why” tied to their “What.”
The “Why-What” Connection
There is a simple truth that is not part of the conversation when we are talking relationships, intimate or otherwise. The truth is “Whats” don’t keep people together, “Whys” do. I hear people describe their struggling relationships every day, and mostly, I hear about not having things in common or not being compatible. These couples represent a dominant culture of people who are focused on the “What” without attaching a “Why.” Those who experience their relationship through a “What” lens are missing out on meaning. They are cognizant of what is going, what they are doing, what their partner is doing, and how they feel about it, but are rarely aware of why? “Why” is important to me, and it needs to be equally vital to you if you are going to have a healthy and sustainable intimate relationship or real friends for that matter.
The “Why” demands our attention, but we are ignoring it because its voice is the “What.” The “What” or the behavior is the externalized action or expression of meaning, and this meaning hides within every nuance in our life. If only we are willing to ask, “Why?” All behavior is an attempt to meet a need, all of it. Listen close to your “What” and you will hear “Why” if you are willing. The same is true for your partner, family members, and friends. By uncovering the “Why,” you can begin to work with it in the realm of experience. You can discover a sense of self and self in relation to others that you have never experienced. I have learned this from my patients. As I sit with couples who are potentially coming too late to the “Why” question, I take a neutral stance. From this position of objective neutrality, I sift through behavioral descriptions and search for the “Why.” I am soon clearly seeing something they both have in common, something that makes them compatible and is the hidden evidence of infinite attachment potential and intimacy, the antidote to what they are currently missing, and why they are sitting in my office in the first place.
Purpose Buried in Trauma
Many people in our society have experienced horrific childhoods, while many though, not categorically awful, were emotionally taxing and affected their perspective and current approach to relationships. Experiences such as divorce, stepfamilies, alcoholism, parents who fought daily, or parents who didn’t fight at all have an enormous effect on us beyond our conscious awareness. The effect gets hidden in many of our socially adaptive and normative daily behaviors, also, in our not so healthy practices. Of course, some people have experienced being abandoned, sexually or physically abused, and neglected. Those are categorically known as traumas, but in some way, more often than not, one or both partners have at least experienced some level of parent-child relational experience that doesn’t fit the category but is none-the-less traumatizing to a being who was meant for connection. In other words, we all have issues, and those issues hide in our way of life, our internal thought and feeling world, and external expressions of those thoughts and feelings. You may say that in some way, the spaces in society where we all get along are the spaces that we have agreed not to air our wounds, or undeveloped parts, our weaknesses.
We gather our personas at the party, but our real selves never show up, which is ok in the surface level social environments but deadly in the long run to friendships, family, and romantic relationships.
Though our abilities to blend into society, function, and succeed may tell one story; our intimate relationships tell a completely different story. It is in these relationships that our worst comes out, but it is in these situations that also exists our full potential. To achieve this, though, we have to be willing to ask the question, “Why?” The uncomfortable, sometimes painful answer to that question can set us on a journey for personal growth and development that can truly set us on a purpose-driven path, not just to be people who chase happy moments. Because answering the question “Why?” about ourselves and our partners allows us to be purposeful in our “Whats.”
Take a Look in the Mirror
Most people go into relationships expecting their partner to contribute to their personal happiness fund. They are like a GoFundMe campaign putting their needs out there, disguised as “Whats,” hoping their partner will be a donor. Unfortunately, their partner is acting from the same vain. After awhile they are wondering why this person not only isn’t producing happiness, they seem to be actually causing pain. It’s that pain that should raise the question “Why,” and it is inside of ourselves that we should look for the answer. To put it simply, our partner is a mirror and is not responsible for the reflection we are experiencing.
Please don’t break the mirror because you don’t like what you see. When you can look inside of yourself in response to the feelings that arise, you will be shown a complete version of your self, scars and all. You can see a world that was created in your childhood, and the frustration you experience is a replica of the pain you experienced in those formative years, probably before you even remember. This perspective, however, forces one to take responsibility for one’s own happiness and satisfaction. This perspective of asking “Why” and looking inward forces us to take the burden off of our partner as the villain and allows us to deal with the pain of the past for our own growth’s sake and the sake of the relationship.
Big “T” Traumas
Individuals who have experienced trauma in childhood exist on a slightly different level emotionally. They tend to live on either end of the continuum between extreme unconscious avoidance or excessive reactive engagement. Their behavior at times can seem so outlandish, indefensible, and emotionally intense that it is easy to write them off as crazy. Maybe they are, but if I unconsciously was drawn to this person, then what does that say about me? Well then, I must be crazy as well. So again, I ask, “Why?” Crazy, we are not, and neither are they. Wounded we are, but not crazy, and thus begins the journey of self-acceptance, embracing wounds, and crying out vulnerably for what we really need.
This question of “Why?” is different for all of us, but the answer is always related to childhood wounds and unmet needs. If this offends you because you believe you had “great parents,” or you aren’t possibly as messed up as your partner, then ask yourself, “Why?” We are all on this journey of healing together, and our compatibility is determined by our ability to involve these wounds in our shared reality. If you are the trauma survivor or the spouse of one then make no mistake, your “Why” holds the key to fixing your relationship and ultimately fixing yourself. So please join me on asking yourself the question “Why?” and be willing to fully experience that answer. From this understanding, we can engage ourselves on a journey of growth and development, which is where all of our sense of relational contentment lies.
When I was about 35 pounds heavier than I am now, I began to work out to lose weight. I was fully aware of “Why” I was doing this behavioral change. I began to take part in specific behaviors called exercises designed to transform my flaws. When we enter romantic relationships, we are often not aware of the “Why” only that what we are feeling is good, and inevitably, we get swept off of our feet into bliss. We ride emotional waves for what can amount to years before we even think to question anything, let alone “Why?” Heading into a relationship with our eyes open to the “Why” can make all of the difference. Waking up in the relationship and being willing to ask “Why” can straighten out the ship. At the end of our lives, we can take nothing with us. This truth leads me to believe that character development is the thematic “Why” in life. Life is not merely an accumulation of “Whats” or getting others to agree to your “Whats.” If we are to experience a harmonious “What-Why” connection, we must first acknowledge our wounded nature so that we can in turn, embrace each other’s so we can heal and thrive as we are all capable of doing.
